I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
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u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.