Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
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If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Me trying to “trust the process”
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft