@ShittingtonUK: Disliking the social justice crowd is to hating social justice as disliking the song "We Are the World" is to hating starving children.
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@yonewt: Sometimes I get flustered by waitresses and I say things like "Abso-fruit-ly!" and they laugh like I'm so clever but we both know
@onion_an: Me:"The store didn't have any bread so I brought flour" Wife:"If they didn't have butter would you buy a cow" *sound of hooves in kitchen*
@ChickenFrecklez: Me texting friend: Hey! What's up? Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling* Me: I am so glad I didn't ask "how's it hanging"
@NicestHippo: *deliberately drops paper in front of cute girl* Oh my goodness was that my...(sexy voice) political science degree