You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
You Might Also Like
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Awwwww shit.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.