Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
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If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.