Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
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My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.