Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
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[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I’m literally crying
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Not my job 😂
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*