Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
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FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Every time.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
mmm onion ringos
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.