Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
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Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
When you don’t understand how floors work
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow