dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
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Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
are they though??
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR