Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
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My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.