@theshamingofjay: Divorce is like hitting the reset button on Super Mario Bros except now you pay for the Princess's castle and hope Bowser kills you.
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@djdarrellripley: Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you? Me: You bought me a ski jacket Her: Skiing is a sport!
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: you can't just deep-fry everything ME: what do you mean? WIFE: I mean put down the cat
@dance_blessed: "You'll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have." -Maya Angelou
@LemmingDad: When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they're saying the names of Ikea furniture.