@theshamingofjay: Divorce is like hitting the reset button on Super Mario Bros except now you pay for the Princess's castle and hope Bowser kills you.
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@MoistPork: "He's a jerk. I'm over him anyway. (5 minutes later) Ooh, he texted! I want to have his babies!" -Women
@ArfMeasures: Me *dying* no, no, no, I can't join the afterlife with these on [Later] Wife: What the hell is that noise? Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
@iGreenMonk: When someone tell me , "long time no see" i usually reply, "I know, we're really not that good of friends"