@toni_goldsetin: My mom always has these great sayings for life, like "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" and "Everybody hates you."

@TheToddWilliams: ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I'm gonna take a Bublé bath WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear ME: Right MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

@patrickoriley: I'm so hungry I could eat this piece of paper. *adds salt to resume*

@Marlebean: "Say TGIF ONE more time" I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, "Go ahead, say it again."

@Henry_3k: *Goes back in time to kill the inventors of Twitter. Returns home to amaze friends on Facebook with endless jokes about vodka & pizza.*