@theshamingofjay: Divorce is like hitting the reset button on Super Mario Bros except now you pay for the Princess's castle and hope Bowser kills you.
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@IRLPepperMD: [guy wearing a ski mask holds a gun to my head] "please go skiing with me I am so alone"
@ReeseButCallMeV: OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
@daemonic3: [home depot] ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock HER: Boulder ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
@professor_eks: If you like to spoon, you'll love to spatula. That's where I flip you over to make certain you're done properly on both sides.