@NOTVIKING: date: so what are your hobbies? me: [remembering women like sensitive guys] i train rescue dogs [remembering they also like bad boys] to fight

@jenlaw_11: Don't make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

@click4amanda: War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I'm busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

@karentozzi: Ten Ways To Tell If Your Kitchen Is Haunted: 1.) Flying forks 2.) Pre-fried eggs 3.) Fridge moaning/wailing 4-10.) Ghosts

@JustDontBugMe: For my next trick, I will try not to kill my volunteer.