@theshamingofjay: Divorce is like hitting the reset button on Super Mario Bros except now you pay for the Princess's castle and hope Bowser kills you.
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@DaddyJew: The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
@toastymoe: Bad news: I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school. Worse news: I'm a bus driver
@meganamram: We're in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn't looked down yet
@Moldy_Jellybean: At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I'm not going.
@NintenDom: Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It's definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
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