If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
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I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..