@briangaar: Divorce is when you tell someone: Hey I know you better than anyone else on Earth and I'm gonna take a pass
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@jackiembouvier: I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He's gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
@Brianhopecomedy: After I saw that my wife "Checked In" to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
@jake_lach: When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping
@robcorddry: Batman's an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade