My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
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they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.