Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
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2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
this is so top tier i cant
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.