Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
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BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.