DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
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[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
the three branches of government
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago