Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
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I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
i did the math
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.