Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
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[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
He wanted to make sure😂
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.