Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
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worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
ugh not again
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.