@djdavemichaels: Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
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@GrantTanaka: Wife: oh honey, I didn't marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
@KalvinMacleod: ME: I can’t find my sandals WIFE: did you look everywhere? ME: yes WIFE: even down ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
@SirEviscerate: ME: Here's your Mickey Mouse pancake HER: This isn't Mickey Mouse shaped ME: I suppose you'd think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
@AnkCoupleTO: *at lawyer's office* Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she's seeing a surgeon *idiot wife pops out from under desk* that's so not true!