Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
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Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
You can’t outrun your problems…
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.