Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
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You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?