Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
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i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“i miss shittin on people”
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.