the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
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I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
There’s never enough good news
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.