My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
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Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.