Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
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Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
just having fun
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*