In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
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Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog