Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
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The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.