Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
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accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Body by cheese-puffs.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.