Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
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I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them