Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
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Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.