Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
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Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
greetings!
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues