Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
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[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
I have never related to a cat more
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.