Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
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Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver