Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
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Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.