Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
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If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.