Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
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My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar