“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
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Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Many hands make light work
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.