@Ristolable: "DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU." -real thing I just said to my son
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@Retacof: Officer: You were speeding. Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic. O: There Is no traffic. M: I am really far behind.
@Playing_Dad: [Walking around park with kid] Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green? Me: Because God wants to remind me I have no money everywhere
@HomeProbably: Top 3 times you should never play with a woman's hair: 1) When she's angry. 2) Just had a haircut. 3) If you don't know her.