“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
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I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Does your wife know you’re single?
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”