Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
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Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
BRO LMFAO
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
That took me a moment.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers