Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
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Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
How wrong was this guy?
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?