Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
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There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
This meal prepping shit easy
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?