Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
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The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.