Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
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Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no