Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
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*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.