Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
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Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.