@snmrrw: Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
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@Brentweets: Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
@MeetYourDaddy: Forget waterboarding. You want confessions? Lock the guy in a room with a laptop, a Twitter account and a bottle of whiskey.
@DaddyJew: Plumber: why are there nachos in your shower drain? Me: why wouldn't there be nachos in my shower drain?
@MAB1013: There are two kinds of people in this world; those that roll up cracker/cereal bags inside the box to maintain freshness, and dipshits.