@snmrrw: Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
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@liv_thatsme: I always bring 2 pop tarts to work, so I can eat one now and the other one also now.
@burnie: Interviewer: what qualifies you to be an Uber driver? *Candidate tells rambling 5 hour story* Interviewer: you're just what we need
@OfficialMizGin: My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
@PRESTONinCOLOR: Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it's not just women who won't marry you.