Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
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Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
New mindset, who dis?
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.