Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
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Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.