do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
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Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down