Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
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MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac