Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
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My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Not all heroes wear capes….
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*