[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
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[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I’m putting together a team
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.